Tuesday, June 25, 2013

A Happy Medium: A Confession

I've gone back and forth. Mostly settled on "not now," "I'm not ready," and "I'll share when X happens." I think I've settled on a happy medium.

I was walking through our neighborhood with Mark the other day, on a routine leisurely stroll. We passed a couple. The husband was running and his clearly pregnant wife was riding a bicycle next to him - the thing you think about in a picturesque pre-natal walk. Mark and I held hands. He said to me, "I'm sorry." Mark was sorry because she was pregnant, and I am no longer. I mentioned to him that I don't understand why everyone else's babies are okay and healthy and ours wasn't (no exaggeration in our communication, clearly). And Mark responded that there are lots of babies like ours. We just don't see them.

His words resonated with me, probably because they are filled with truth. Losing a baby can be a private struggle. And when it happens, we look around for someone else to help us. Someone to reassure us that what we are feeling is normal. Someone to validate the life lost and the hope and plans that went with it. Someone to say, "It's okay to be sad" and "It's okay to be sad for a while." A friend to say, "We remember your baby," and a friend to say, "It's okay to move forward."

But sometimes, when we see ultrasound pictures on Facebook, EPT digitals with that unmistakeable "pregnant" in our newsfeeds, strollers everywhere, gender reveal parties, pictures of a pregnant person due the same month as us, and that ever present pregnant woman riding a bike through the neighborhood, we can feel very alone. Ugly thoughts of jealousy and bitterness swell as a result of our sin nature. There is genuine joy for those we love who are expecting, and sorrow for our loss. At times, it's a bit overwhelming.

While many women aren't comfortable sharing their losses publicly, for me, I took great comfort in talking with friends who had walked the same debris-filled road I am on. Yet, with it being so private, sometimes it may be hard for a person to know who to talk to.

This bring me back to my debate. Should I share? I think the body of Christ can do amazing things when we encourage each other and share. Maybe something I write will give hope or encouragement to another mommy whose heart or womb feels a little too empty. Perhaps someone will feel comfortable sharing her story with me because I shared mine. Maybe we can all walk this crummy road together, helping each other up when we trip along the way. My emotions are still raw, and maybe, just maybe, they can help someone else. And maybe they will be a help in my own healing.

So, I'm sharing. I had a miscarriage. We lost our baby in April, and I had a D&C just shy of 11 weeks into my pregnancy. I am looking forward to the day when Jesus wins the battle and things are made right. I am hoping to see how this can be made into something that glorifies God. And I am praying that he heals the broken-hearted and binds up our wounds.

This is my first step in sharing. I don't know when the next step will come or what it will be. But I'm taking the first leap.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!"                                                                                        ~Revelation 24:4-5


  1. I love you and you are brave. I want to apologize for all the insensitive and theologically incorrect things people will say. The loss of a baby is one of those things that even those of us who have walked this road don't know what to say. I am trusting the Lord for you, trusting that He will be all that you need him to be: Faithful Father, Loving Friend, Comforter, Healer, and Judge. I look forward to the day when we will these babies we carried glorifying God with us together and all things will be as they should be.

  2. Kathryn, I am so very sorry for the tremendous loss you and Mark are experiencing. Prayers for comfort and peace in the midst of this trial.

  3. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. My first pregnancy ended in a loss on a family trip last summer (I wrote about it here: http://kellylgilbert.blogspot.com/2012/08/our-first.html). It's so painful, and there really is a lot of silence surrounding miscarriage and pregnancy loss. But it's okay to grieve and be sad and not have answers and to mourn the loss of the baby and all the hope and future dreams you had for it.

    I hope you're surrounded by lots of comfort and healing and support.

  4. Oh Kathryn! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You are brave for sharing. I have never experienced a loss and I don't know what you're going through, but I'll stand beside you through it and pray every step of the way. You are loved and prayed for. It's ok to move on but we will always remember you're sweet babe!

  5. Oh Kathryn, what a heartbreaking loss you and Mark have been faced with. You didn't have to share this struggle with all of us, and yet you chose to...I am hopeful that God will use your story for His glory. Prayers for you as you continue to process and grieve.

  6. Kathryn,

    Much love to you and Mark and we are praying for you both. What a truly thoughtful and brave way to share your story. I know you'll probably never see a clear answer but as you said, if someone else has the same story, I'm sure God can use you and your story. Whether that is bringing someone to have a relationship with Jesus, bringing glory to His eternal kingdom or even bringing you closer to Him. I know Jordan and Lauren have been open about their stories as well in case you didn't know. <3

  7. Maybe you've already read these, but just wanted to share some posts that I wrote shortly after our first miscarriage. Didn't really write any after our second because I was too angry. http://clsjys.blogspot.com/search/label/baby%202

  8. I know your pain and yes, so many times it is a private struggle. Thank you for sharing on behalf of all of us who have struggled privately.

  9. kat, i had no idea. i'm so sorry. know that i love you, and i am praying for you & mark. thank you so much for sharing.

  10. So proud of you, sweet momma :) Sending love and prayers yours and baby's way today!

  11. I am so sorry. May God comfort you and Mark in a way that you have never known before. Bless you!

  12. Kathryn and Mark,

    I am so so sorry for your loss. Scott & I have been in your place twice and know the pain and loss. I know it has now been a couple of months but it is still okay to be sad, hurt and confused. Please feel free to talk to us at anytime. Kathryn I love you dearly and only wish I had been there to hold your hand in the first days. We have two precious babies like yours and you are not alone.


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