You see, I have experienced love in a
new way in the last eighteen months and have received various responses from
by-standers, some standing closer by than others. While the words from most
people have been overall encouraging of us and Karlie, with them realizing the
uniqueness and specialness of our relationship and respecting it, there have
been a few that have been either not encouraging, silent, or worse. And I would
be lying if I said it didn’t affect me. Outsiders had me questioning my
feelings and my role in her life. That since I didn’t birth her or raise her
that these maternal feelings couldn’t be real, right? Some people seemed to
think I was just young and naive. And I admitted to my friend that I had felt
somewhat hurt and disrespected by some and that at times I felt a need to hold
back because of what others thought.
My friend and I talked about it a
little and as our conversation started to change and I focused on my pack of nuggets, she interrupted me and said,
“Wait - before we change subjects I want to tell you something.” Of course, she
had my full attention, and I listened as she told a beautiful story of two
children for whom she used to be a full-time nanny. She told me how she loved
those children deeply - and that during the years she was their nanny,
she prayed for them regularly, read parenting material to be a better nanny for
them, and she felt like she was a second mother to them. She said people in her
life told her she needed to be careful because she loved them too much, but
that she felt it would have been foolish to withhold love, so she went all in.
She then said that the children’s mother recognized my friend’s love for her
children, and gave a card to her from the children on Mother’s Day and in it,
she wrote, Thank you for loving my children as much as I do. Now, years
later, my friend has a biological child of her own, and she looked me in the
eyes and said said, “It’s different, yes, but I love them as much as my own
child. While I did deliver my son and he has my mannerisms and gene pool and
looks exactly like my husband, I love those other two children just as deeply.
So I don’t know how it will be when you have a baby, but for me, I have equal
love.”
And I felt a wave of relief sweep over
me. It was like I had permission to not suppress my feelings. It didn’t matter
what others thought - I have the freedom and the privilege to love someone
fully and completely who is willing to receive it, and not everyone gets that
kind of honor. What God clearly orchestrated in our family is not the
traditional family make-up, but it is just a real, just as beautiful, and
immensely treasured.
My friend also sweetly reminded me that
the people who weren’t supportive do not understand. They don’t have the
precious moments we have. They don’t see the hours spent in conversation making
big decisions. They don‘t get the midnight phone calls. They don’t see the
shoulder that has been cried on. They don’t hear about the cute boy from math
class, what happened at volleyball practice, or listen to the speech being
recited ten times for speech class. They haven’t been there during the eighteen
months that she transformed into a confident, secure, compassionate and wise
young woman. They weren’t there during the moments that she became a family
member and not just “the girl that lives with us.” They don’t feel that tug on
their hearts.
But I do. And I realize that not every
teenager that lives with a person becomes a family member. But I truly believe
God’s hand was so evident in all of this that he knew Karlie was exactly what
we needed, and we were what she needed. And God began to stir in our hearts an
affection that only he can bring. And we became a family. And Karlie became our
daughter. And like my friend, I choose to not withhold love.
And so in asking the question, “What
does it mean to be a family?” I have a new, simple answer: Love.
~Kathryn
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