Baby #1: Part One

First of all, I want to say thank you to so many women who reached out to me after last post - whether it was through email, comments, or on Facebook. I appreciated each encouragement I received. You guys are really great.

I've been trying to decide what I want to share. I've decided that even though our baby is no longer with us, I still want to be able to to remember this part of our life and the happy things that went with it. Among other things, I see my blog as a journal. I love going back and being reminded of what we have experienced. And I certainly don't want to forget our little one, even though he or she is no longer with us. I want to write the story, but I also understand if you choose not to read it.

This brings us to February. I had been obsessively using pregnancy tests for a while - squinting at the white space, looking for that second line. There are incredibly cheap test strips online for less than $0.40 a pop, so I didn't feel guilty using them often. Anyway, on a Tuesday night I did a double take on a strip because I had thought I had maybe seen a hint of a shadow of something, but then I ruled it out. The next morning, however, I saw this:

I know, I know. You may or may not even see the super faint second line. However, I had been peeing on enough of those sticks for long enough that I knew this was something new. So, I went on to work with several more tests to use throughout the day. A test at work showed a little clearer (but yes, still very faint):

So, I did what most normal people do: I uploaded this picture into my trying to conceive online community so that people could vote to convince me whether or not this was something. I just checked, and this photo received 61 positive votes, and 2 negative votes. As the day went on and people kept voting yes, I started thinking, maybe this is for real. I knew ANY second line was a positive. So I knew it was for real, but, I wasn't quite completely convinced. 

The next morning was Valentine's Day, and I went to the store on my way to work and picked up the fool-proof digital test. These tests should pick up a little higher level of HCG, and would be more convincing. Sometimes we can tell ourselves the two lines mean nothing, and we need an actual word to prove it. So, I went into the women's bathroom at work and peed on the stick. I sat there and stared at the little digital screen, showing some sort of timer as it calculated my hormone levels. And then, it was there, clear as day:

That was when I started kind of freaking out. And it was Valentine's Day! What a great day and a perfect time to tell my love. A little Valentine's Day baby!

My excitement was rather short lived, however, as later that day I was talking to my friend and I started having some cramping. I was talking to her but just kept thinking, "As long as it's just cramping it's normal, as long as it's just cramping it's normal." When I went to the bathroom I noticed a little bit of blood, and I pretty much put a halt on all things celebratory. When I told Mark that night it was somewhat of a mix of "I have good news and bad news." Not exactly what I was going for.

The next morning (Friday), I had my blood HCG levels drawn, and then scheduled to go back in on Monday to have a redraw. In the meantime, I had a pretty miserable existence - I was experiencing one sided pain, and so I was trying to not completely freak out. We went to a basketball game with my aunt, and it was a nice distraction. I remember really experiencing pregnancy emotions at that game. After the game was over, the two teams lined up and proceeded to shake each other's hands and offer the proverbial "good game." However, my sweet cousin (a high school sophomore) hugged a lot of the opposing team's players - above and beyond the hand shake. I remember feeling very emotional at him hugging the players and thinking something to the effect of, "He is so sweet and kind hearted." And I realized I needed to pull myself together because this was an over reaction. (-:

On Monday morning I found out my first number was 30, which is very low. However, I knew I was very early in my pregnancy (3 weeks and maybe 3 days), and one number doesn't really mean much. It's all about what the numbers are doing. Later that afternoon I found out that my second number was 58. Still very low, but higher. The doctor's office was kind but not very optimistic, and the next day my doctor decided to wait a full week before testing again, to give the numbers time to stew a little. 

In that week of waiting, I decided that even if I was only mommy to that little baby for a short amount of time, I wanted to be a good steward. I had already been taking folic acid while trying to conceive, but I went to my nutritionist and loaded up on all kinds of pre-natals, and asked people to be praying for our little baby.

The weekend before my next draw, I led worship with a dear friend of mine at a women's retreat. It was a very sweet time of worship, and helped me to focus my mind on something else.

Monday came and I went in for my draw (Sidenote: This is my third draw in ten days, and I HATE having my blood drawn). Later that day they called and told me that my number had risen from 58 to 1100! Now that was some serious growth. I was thrilled. They wouldn't give me the all clear, and said we weren't out of the woods yet, but decided to schedule me for an early ultrasound after seven weeks so that they could get a better look at things. 

A week and a half into this (felt like so much longer!), and it had already been quite the roller coaster. This put me somewhere around here with our little sweet pea:

I think that's all for this post. That's a lot of info, and there's more to come, so I will leave it at that.

I hope you guys have a happy weekend - thanks for letting me share! (-:

~Kathryn 

A Happy Medium: A Confession

I've gone back and forth. Mostly settled on "not now," "I'm not ready," and "I'll share when X happens." I think I've settled on a happy medium.

I was walking through our neighborhood with Mark the other day, on a routine leisurely stroll. We passed a couple. The husband was running and his clearly pregnant wife was riding a bicycle next to him - the thing you think about in a picturesque pre-natal walk. Mark and I held hands. He said to me, "I'm sorry." Mark was sorry because she was pregnant, and I am no longer. I mentioned to him that I don't understand why everyone else's babies are okay and healthy and ours wasn't (no exaggeration in our communication, clearly). And Mark responded that there are lots of babies like ours. We just don't see them.

His words resonated with me, probably because they are filled with truth. Losing a baby can be a private struggle. And when it happens, we look around for someone else to help us. Someone to reassure us that what we are feeling is normal. Someone to validate the life lost and the hope and plans that went with it. Someone to say, "It's okay to be sad" and "It's okay to be sad for a while." A friend to say, "We remember your baby," and a friend to say, "It's okay to move forward."

But sometimes, when we see ultrasound pictures on Facebook, EPT digitals with that unmistakeable "pregnant" in our newsfeeds, strollers everywhere, gender reveal parties, pictures of a pregnant person due the same month as us, and that ever present pregnant woman riding a bike through the neighborhood, we can feel very alone. Ugly thoughts of jealousy and bitterness swell as a result of our sin nature. There is genuine joy for those we love who are expecting, and sorrow for our loss. At times, it's a bit overwhelming.

While many women aren't comfortable sharing their losses publicly, for me, I took great comfort in talking with friends who had walked the same debris-filled road I am on. Yet, with it being so private, sometimes it may be hard for a person to know who to talk to.

This bring me back to my debate. Should I share? I think the body of Christ can do amazing things when we encourage each other and share. Maybe something I write will give hope or encouragement to another mommy whose heart or womb feels a little too empty. Perhaps someone will feel comfortable sharing her story with me because I shared mine. Maybe we can all walk this crummy road together, helping each other up when we trip along the way. My emotions are still raw, and maybe, just maybe, they can help someone else. And maybe they will be a help in my own healing.

So, I'm sharing. I had a miscarriage. We lost our baby in April, and I had a D&C just shy of 11 weeks into my pregnancy. I am looking forward to the day when Jesus wins the battle and things are made right. I am hoping to see how this can be made into something that glorifies God. And I am praying that he heals the broken-hearted and binds up our wounds.

This is my first step in sharing. I don't know when the next step will come or what it will be. But I'm taking the first leap.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!"                                                                                        ~Revelation 24:4-5

Tornadoes

As you are all aware, our state got hit pretty hard recently by tornadoes. Thankfully, my brother and sister in Oklahoma City were unscathed. Karlie was safe in a nearby town as well. Mark's cousins lost their house, as did others that we know. Our friends and family are are all alive and well, and the storms didn't hit our town.

Just wanted to let everyone know we are okay. We are mourning with those in our state and those we love, but thankfully, we are safe.

~Kathryn

Bedroom Redo

Many of you probably know I'm basically the cheapest person the planet. But dangit, we are about $5200 away from paying off that last pesky student loan, so I generally try to put as much money toward that each month as possible. However, this last month, I decided that my room really needed a little pick-me-up. It needed to be a little happier. It needed some TLC. So I said, "Why the heck not?". (Okay, that's actually not exactly what I said, because I can assure you, I shopped around and got some pretty stinkin' good deals, and bought lots of sale items. So for a cheapskate, that is the closest thing to what I said, and I still experienced pain with each purchase.) But the bottom line is, I spent some cash and threw caution to the wind. (-;

I haven't really taken pics of everything, so I'm gonna do what I can.

I purchased this awesome lamp from TJ Maxx - with the above artwork of Boo done by none other than Karlie:

So yes. I love the lamp. I still need something for Mark's side, but they only had one, so I am still looking for something similar.

Next, I decided that as much as I LOVED my old Anthro bedspread, it was time for something new. Since our walls are a very calm light grey/blue, I decided to brighten things up a bit. After searching, I found the perfect match at Target, and also got lots of throw pillows on major sale. I was pretty stoked about all of this:

So - everything on the bed that you see is from Target (minus the stuffed animal) - the comforter, bedskirt, grey pillow cases, and throw pillows. I did buy some new white sheets off of amazon, which are heavenly soft. I also got that little yellow picture frame on the right night stand from Target. I think this all makes the room look really cheery.

I also went to my favorite website, Etsy.com, and found come cute prints for not much, and framed them with frames from Target. (-: (You'd think I was working for them!)

This one hasn't come in yet, but it will look similar but with a heart in my hometown. (-:

I am overall really happy with everything. I didn't break the bank, but my room looks very different, and is a happier and more cheery place to hang out. (-: Plus who doesn't love new sheets?

Last month was also my birthday, so I thought I would throw in a couple of pics from me and my sister's joint birthday party.  We each got our own cake, and sometimes we might try to blow our each other's candles first. (-:

Fun times were had by all. And to sign off, here I am with a necklace my sister got me for my birthday. (-:

Happy Monday, Everyone!

~Kathryn

Happy April Fool's Day!

Well, hello, everyone. I know, it's been ridiculously long since I posted last. But I'm here to tell everyone (I know you are so excited) that in a few weeks things will again start picking up on the ole blog. School will be slowing down and I'm gearing up for lots of fun posts. So buckle up. (-:

After this term I will be three short (hopefully!) classes away from graduating with my master's degree! I am so excited to be done with grad school!

Mark and I have been diligently working to pay off around $55,000 in non-mortgage debt over the past few years, $40,000 of which was student loan debt. As of today, we owe just under $6100! We are trying to get it completely paid off this summer. I can't tell you how excited I am to be debt free. It has been such hard work and taken a long time, but it will completely worth it.

I have been working at a local preschool at a church on Friday mornings (of course to make some extra debt payment cash!), and it has been so fun. We have the same kids each week and they are so sweet.

Today is April Fool's day, and I totally convinced both my brother and Karlie that my car caught on fire on my way to work today. (-: So, you better beware!

I just wanted to give a short update. I think I need to at least do a post to get back in the swing of blogging. Kind of a fake it till you make it thing. But hopefully when my class ends later this month, you will be seeing a lot more of us.

~K

Highs and Lows

****This post is long. That what happens when I don't post enough. There's your disclaimer.****

Mark and I spent another wonderful New Year's Eve with my grandparents in Ft. Worth, Texas. The drive there and back always gives us several hours of time to talk about all kind of things with no agenda. On the way back we were reflecting on our 2012 and looking forward to what is to come in 2013.

We noted how interesting it is that Mark's year and my year were both very different, even though we are married and experienced the same year. Mark got a new job that he loves this year that allows him to work from home, and he started teaching in a ministry in the church that he loves. He had a big year for good reasons, and it was awesome.

My year was very different. My year was the year of sickness and conflict. Ha. I started out the year with a toothache that led to a crown in January, which two months later led to a root canal and another crown, which led to a reaction to my antibiotic that nearly crippled me, which led to about six months of on-and-off joint pain (really it still lingers to a small degree), which led to a cold, which led to a six weak-ish long sinus infection, which led to another cold, which finally led to a corneal abrasion to round out my year of good health. I had one hour of sick time left at the end of the year. It was also a year of internally working through a recent relational conflict and ending that was just really tough. I told Mark I felt like a lot of the year I was just going through the motions. Lots of really hard things happened. All of that on top of working full-time and going to grad school full-time. Yikes!

Mark said the hardest part of the year for him was watching me be so sick. I'm sure my periodic meltdowns over my lame sauce immune system didn't help matters. He's so sweet. But thankfully, I am healthy right now. I am even going to a nutritionist now. I am trying to strengthen my immune system and have added more cardio to my workout routine to get that blood flowing more.

Of course, I can't end this blog complaining about my year, because we all know I really don't have anything to complain about. I was trying to think about what the highs were for the year. I didn't have any big accomplishments personally this year or any big personal events. Now that I'm married, working, and in school, there's not room for much else! I've gotten most of the big things out of the way.

And so as I sat and pondered what my highlight was, it finally hit me. I realized it wasn't an accomplishment, it wasn't a new purchase, it wasn't an event - it was a new friendship. This past spring my mom had asked me to consider being a mentor in the women's mentoring program, because she is the director of that ministry at our church. I basically said, "No way, no how, leave me alone, I don't have time for that." But, as the Lord always does, he began working on my heart. He showed me that in the midst of my current life turmoil, perhaps the best thing I could do would be to get my focus off of my miserable existence and onto (gasp) someone else. My mom kept pestering, and finally I told her that if they ran out of mentors and needed more, I would consider being a mentor.

Well, lo and behold, they didn't have enough mentors. After the program had started, a young newlywed emailed my mother and told her she wanted a mentor. Amazing how that works. And so I got a barrage of "you would be a perfect match with this girl" and "everyone thinks you should be paired with her" (which at the time was somewhat obnoxious). This time, I told my mom I would pray about it, and to please stop asking me.  It hardly took any time before I contacted my mom and told her if that girl still needed a mentor, I would do it.

You guys. I do not even know where to begin. The Lord knew exactly what I needed. Alex and I began our friendship and mentoring relationship and we quickly realized that we were kindred spirits. We connected from our first meeting at Starbucks and our friendship has continued to grow. We read a book on marriage together, we had fun together, we shared our joys and our hurts, and we prayed for each other. We even hung out as couples. Alex is a sweet and tenderhearted person who has helped me see the importance of being compassionate and has inspired me to always be looking for ways to share the gospel with those around me. She is a complete joy and the biggest new blessing I experienced in 2012. I am so thankful that the Lord gave me a kick in the pants to do something outside of myself, and so amazed at the abundance that resulted. I am looking forward to our friendship growing in 2013.

All of the time I spent with Alex was worth it and then some. It's amazing how the things we "don't have time for" are the things that we need the most.

Sweet Karlie and I had lunch today and we were looking forward to 2013, and talking about what would happen. We are going on a family cruise this month and are so excited. This should be the year I graduate from seminary, and should also be the year that we are debt-free (outside of our mortgage). I have a feeling this year will be a year of better health, a year of growing closer in my friendships, a year  of loving Mark even more deeply, and a year of becoming closer as a family.

Above all, may this be a year of serving the Lord with our heart, mind, soul, and strength.

Bring it on, 2013.

~Kathryn

Thursday Randoms

Well, I have obviously been doing a terrible job on the blog lately. My best excuse is that I have been on the brink of death for about two months straight. Some people might call that an exaggeration, but I had a cold that turned into a sinus infection- that stuff lasted about five-six weeks, and then I had a break from being sick for about a week and a half and I got another terrible awful cold for a week, and I am just now better. So I've been sleeping a lot, doing a lot of neti-potting, consuming a ridiculous amount of vitamins, and being miserable. But good news! I am better, and I now have a new lease on life. I'm also hoping to get a new immune system.

So.... here are my updates.

1. You probably wondered about the pumpkin carving competition. The one in which I am somehow ALWAYS robbed of first prize every year? Well, this was the year, folks. I won. Check out my awesome pumpkin:

Yes, that is Linus and Lucy and The Great Pumpkin. Since me winning this competition was basically my goal in life, our reaction was a little over the top:

And here's our prize: (Well, the cute guy I've had for a while, but the triple crock pot is the prize. (-: )

2. On Halloween, Mark and I dressed up and went to Chipotle for $2 Booritos.

3. In November, I celebrated my FIVE YEAR college homecoming. My roomie and I and our hubs loaded up and headed south. We reminisced, spent money in the bookstore, and had a grand old time. Here we are at our freshman dorm room:

And here we are with our mascot. No big deal.

4. Also in November, some of our best friends had TWINS! Their names are Julia and Caroline and they are precious. Completely and purely precious.

5. Over Thanksgiving weekend Karlie worked her magic with the cousins. We have dubbed her the child whisperer. No one cares about me or Mark anymore, it's all about Karlie. "Is Karlie going to be there?" "Can we go to Karlie's house?" I am officially chopped liver. (-:

We had family raking day and I snuck a picture. It's amazing how much faster leaves get raked with three people. (-:

6. Our Thanksgiving Tradition is getting our tree from the tree farm! Yay! We got the most beautiful tree in the farm, like always. 

Self explanatory. (-:

After decorating, Mark and Karlie chatted by the fire while I laid on the couch secretly taking more pictures. (-:

7. We cheered for OSU.

8. I got my hair cut. (-:

9. I got my drivers license renewed. (-:

10. Boo also got a haircut. And a new Christmas bow.

11. After getting groomed, Boo relaxed by laying on the couch and staring at the Christmas tree. 

12. And last, but not least, we ordered our Christmas cards. (-:

~Kathryn