Monday, February 13, 2012

Marriage Monday: Whose Team Are You On?

Maybe you remember that moment. You were somewhere with your significant other, with friends, or family, and you said something. Something that upset your significant other, and maybe you didn’t understand why.
But then the tables turned. You were with your friends. And your significant other said something. And suddenly you were upset or hurt. And then it hit you - it was about teams.
Very early in our relationship, Mark and I started using the phrase “We’re a team!” And to be disgustingly honest, for some reason, we changed the proper grammar to “is”, so we actually say “We’s a team!” I know. I said it was disgusting. Anyway, we said it about pretty much everything, but especially when we were with other people.

The team isn’t “us against them.” It’s about teamwork. Support. Encouragement. Working together to achieve a common goal. It’s about Mark and I supporting each other, and never being on opposing teams, especially in public. 
Sure, Mark might say something that I disagree with in front of other people, but I don’t say anything until later - when we’re alone. When we’re with people, I give the classic leg tap or “the look”.  Then later, I try to approach the subject very carefully, thoughtfully, and not accusatorially. I strive to be nothing but a cheerleader for my hubby around other people so he never has to question what team I’m on. When we feel hurt or not supported by the other person, we will later say, “I don’t feel like you were on my team when you said that.” 

What I also love about this is that my husband also holds me accountable for what I say to anyone - about anything. As much as I hate to admit it, on the drive home from almost any get-together we attend, my husband humbly and lovingly tells me that perhaps, just perhaps, I said something I should’ve have. I seem to have the gift of not always being as careful in my words as I should. And because of his sweet, honest reminder, I am slowly learning to be more thoughtful before I speak. He challenges me to be better. And what is more beautiful than that?

What about you? Do you have any rules for public? Do you help each other be more sensitive in speaking? Do you chant “We’s a team!”? 


  1. We don't have a rule for the public, but we need one. On one occasion or another I know we have both complained after a gathering that we felt made fun of, or put on the spot, by the other person. As you demonstrated, this is really not healthy. It portrays you as an un-unified team, but also leads to resentment and intentional meanness. I forwarded the link from your post to my hubs. We need to reevaluate and be a team more of the time. It's so easy to use gatherings as an opportunity to vent about your partner. Good post!

  2. I love seeing other couples who value marriage not only for the happiness it brings us but for the holiness it can also bring in us! Much harder that way, but heaven forbid we are the same people at our 25 year anniversaries that we are on our wedding day! I want to be better, and I know Jonathan is helping me become that. You two are on the right track...a great team, for sure!

  3. Yeah, we kind of have the same rule...if someone says something they shouldn't we discuss it later...never in front of other people. Or, if they're in the middle of it...the other gives a leg tap or a subtle "no" shake of the head...sort of a "you should probably stop now" kind of warning.
    With our families, we also leave any family discussions to the said person's respective family. Like, if I have a concern about something Kyle's family might do or say, he takes it up with them rather than putting me, the in-law, in an awkward position.


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