Monday, May 17, 2010

Someday, But Not Today

***Warning: Girl topics are discussed***

My friend had a baby this weekend. She had a baby after 36.5 hours of natural (no meds), and yes, painful, labor, but she doesn't regret it and it was overall a good experience for her. (Side note: our definitions of "good" are different, so I'm not planning on trying that route.) I went to visit her at the hospital and saw her beautiful baby boy. He really is beautiful. Some babies aren't that cute, but he was really cute. And his new parents were just beaming with pride and gushing with love. It was very sweet.

I was sitting there, holding that little baby, and I got quite a gigantic rush of fear. (This is not nothing new to me, fear is something I've always dealt with). Not a fear that I would drop the baby, but a fear that I would have one sooner than I would like. I mean I was holding a person. What a huge responsibility.

I looked at that sweet baby, and then handed him to his proud aunt, said my goodbyes to the family, and then I resumed breathing once I was in the hallway.

So let's just keep it real. I don't know about other married females out there, but every month the same thing happens. I ask Mark if he thinks I'm pregnant. Not because I have any reason to believe that I am, but because I have that fear of "what if". Every time Mark says "No", I say, "Are you sure?!" and he says "Yes", then generally I say "But what if I am??!" and he says, "You're not". Man of few words. I keep this up for a good week or two until a monthly friend visits and then I praise the Lord from whom all blessings flow. Okay, wow - I did NOT mean for that pun to happen. But seriously. That's bar none the best day of the month for me.

To keep things straight: I want kids. I hope when the time is right we will be able to have kids. I want three, heck, maybe even four. Who knows? But here's the thing: I do not want them today. In case everyone is wondering, we would like a house first, and we would like to be more financially stable. So it will be a few years.

BTW... the entire time I am typing this, I am using only my right hand, while my left hand is non-stop knocking on a gigantic piece of wood.

So. That's my story. I'm not ready. I could get ready if I was forced to. But I'm not ready today. Holding that little baby gave me a lot of joy for his new family, and reminded me we would have one of those one day hopefully, but it also almost sent me over the edge. Not to be dramatic or anything. (-;

Do I have a point with this? Well, no, apparently I don't. Except I know a lot of young marrieds read this blog, and I am dying to know how other people feel about this as well. I'm looking forward to your points of view and your stories.

Do you want kids? Now? Do you worry about it? Does your hubby think you're crazy?



  1. I am not a young married (we will celebrate 10 years in June!) but I know the feeling. I was (still am) on the pill so I had no way of thinking that wouldn't work. but after you have are scared to have the 2nd (at least I was). I was terrified before my 2nd child was born. I wasn't scared to have the first one b/c I KNEW we would have kids...and I knew we would have at least 2...but having that 2nd one was hard. Now, we are debating a 3rd and again, I am terrified. The fear is about changing the family dynamic. We've adjusted to having 2 kids and it flows changing that scares me to death. And every month, I still have that fear that you have. You always wonder "what if".

    Sorry this got so long...

  2. Everyone has these fears. Some of us have unexpected special blessings that God gave us...but you know what...I truly feel if we are seeking him wholeheartedly and acting in obedience - he will not give us more than we can handle...and if it was his desire for you to have children now...he would probably be changing your heart to desire that too.

  3. Getting married in July. Our plan is like yours... we want to have a house, a car and some savings before we have a kid. It will also give us a few years to have fun with our money :)

    "from whom all blessings flow" BWA-HAHAHAHA!

  4. I have PANIC attacks when a certain monthly visitor is late. I think we want kids someday (one or two) but not for a long long long time. There's too much life I want to experience before parenthood comes along.

  5. my wishes are just the opposite at this point in my life when that time comes I ask Mr. A if he thinks I might be pregnant hoping it's true even though technically we're not going to try until later this year :) but I remember being in your shoes not too long ago.

  6. totally. i take a test every month (ok, the last two months) before the monthly visitor, just because i want to know NOW.
    we are on the two-ish year plan but until then we are happy living on my salary with the husband in school.

    that being said, if i found out today that we were pregnant then we would be super happy (right after i cried in a ball for five minutes).

    i can say with confidence "the lord is a good and faithful Father to all his children". if we have a kid today, great! if we have a kid in two years, great! if never have kids, great! the lord's kindness would be in all three of those!!

  7. I am totally there with you! I desperately want to be a mother, HOWEVER I am soooo not ready for that just yet! Sometimes I crave a baby now because they are cute and fun, but then I remind myself how much I love to sleep :) I want to travel, and enjoy time with my husband, and be adventurous for a while! We are on a three year plan :)

  8. I was the same way. We wanted a savings, cars paid off, and get into a great house first. You have plenty of time and you are being responsible about everything! Of course now that we are trying for a baby and it's not happening, and I now dread the monthly arrival, it's super frustrating!! Anyway, it will happen when it's right, and one day you will be totally ready :). People will always be asking questions though--it was are you dating anyone, then so when are you getting married, now it's baby and house questions. Just how it is though and have fun just being married for now :). You have the doggies to baby in the meantime, ha :)

  9. Haha, Kathryn, this made me laugh. Not at you, but with you. Like everyone else said, you have plenty o' time. Definitely don't rush it, because once you've got kids, they're around for good! ;) You can imagine what it was like for Doug and I for the short while we went through the phase of "maybe not ever having kids". That plan is usually poo-pooed by everyone, even though it's another perfectly acceptable option, or should be. So no matter what boat you're in -- no kids, kids, no way ever will you have kids -- you'll get the comments from people no matter what, so it's best just to get used to it and brush off the comments. In the meanwhile, if you ever want to babysit Henry, that'll keep you postponing for sure, haha! Just kidding. I think. ;)

  10. I am TOTALLY with you on everything you said!!

  11. You are definitely NOT alone. I'm on birth control, but every time I get my period, I sigh a huge sigh of relief. I have actually had dreams where I was pregnant and they were the scariest dreams I've ever had. I hope someday the fear turns to longing, but NOT SOON!

  12. I think this is totally normal. My monthly "friend" is late almost every single month and it messes with your mind, ready or not!!! I know God will calm your heart when it is the right time. And He will be faithful if the "what if" happened sooner than you wanted, too. He's just good like that! :)

  13. Me and Big Man are getting married next year and we would love to start a family but like you we would like to get a house and be a little more financially stable.

  14. I am young, married, and a mommy. It is seriously the best title in the world, mommy. Buuut, I was ready for it and wanted it. My husband and I didnt have a house, we lived in a small, ugly apartment. However, we were house hunting and owned our first home by the time I was 5 months pregnant.

    Motherhood is something I wanted and was ready for. Its not like that for everyone. Majority of my friends have children but some dont. They are simply not ready for them or dont want children.

    What is great about your friends having children is that you can get your baby fix with your friends kid, and then hand the baby back when it cries ;)

    You will make a great mommy...someday =)

  15. Kathyrn!
    Bekah told me you blogged, so I had to come discover you myself :)
    Liked your post. I most definitely want kids. Just gotta get me a man first. :)

  16. Yep, we are there, too!! I love babies and want a whole gaggle of 'em. Just

  17. I do want kids! I was ALWAYS worried that I wouldn't want them b/c up until now, I haven't been ready. I got married about 7 months ago and RIGHT BEFORE the wedding, people would ask us and I was saying, "NO WAY"!!! However, I think my biological-31-year-old-clock took over b/c now I want to start trying. My husband probably does thing I'm crazy b/c I've asked him "what-if" since we got married and there was now a possibility that it could happen. Hang in there! Don't be in such a hurry!!! Take it from a 31 year old that hasn't started trying yet....You have PLENTY of time. God's timing is incredibly perfect and when it happens, you will absolutely love it! :)


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